Loneliness and Solitude
Quite often you hear single people say, “I feel lonely,” “I have no one to love me,” “Is my Karma so bad that I can’t get married and have a good spouse?” “I feel so depressed, dejected and bitter with my life,” and so on.
Perceiving being alone as either loneliness or as solitude is like trying to establish whether a glass filled with water up to the middle is half full or half empty. It is true that loneliness could be painful and depressing but if you regarded being alone not as loneliness but as solitude, it could turn out to be a great opportunity for you to look inwards and make necessary improvements in your own approach towards life. Solitude is something that people in committed relationships sometimes long for. That is why couples are advised once in a while, to take some time off from each other and be on their own for a few days or weeks. It gives them time to look outside of the window, into themselves, into their relationship, to learn to be thankful for what they have and to think of all that they could do to further strengthen their relationship rather than complaining about the inadequacies of their partner.
Relationship with oneself
An important fact that is usually ignored is that for people who are depressed, angry, bitter, complaining and negative; attracting someone into their life, particularly a lover or someone who would either propose to them or accept their proposal, could be very difficult. Don’t you think that just as you are looking for someone who would flood your life with romance, happiness, caring and togetherness; the other person too must be looking for someone like that? There is hardly anyone who would take the trouble to connect and start a relationship with a person who is always sad or cross. When someone asks you how you are doing, just say that you are doing great instead of beginning to narrate your sad story of being lonely and having no one to love. Be lavish in praising people and things around you and talk about pleasant things. Don’t forget that you will hardly find anyone who would be interested in sob stories. However, it should not be overlooked that in most cases, the prime reason behind a person who is single to try to find a romantic relationship, is due to the myth that such a relationship or marriage is the only way to lead a happy and fulfilling life. The truth is that the most important relationship for anyone is the one with themself ,which can be interpreted as accepting one’s own imperfections, pluses and minuses, as being normal. Until a person achieves a healthy relationship with oneself, it would be difficult for them to influence the hearts of others and lead them to like or love them.
Looking for relationships
Relationships are important but narrowing down the search for a good relationship to that of a lover or of a spouse is baseless and unrealistic, because there is no guarantee that a person will find an ideal romantic relationship. No one can be sure of a smooth and happy married life. Whereas, the chances of success in building a strong non-romantic relationship or a deep and committed friendship with a classmate, colleague, acquaintance, neighbour or cousin, are much higher and can be of a quality much better than that of a romantic one which, in a lot of cases, is nothing short of an illusion that people so vehemently chase all through their lives. Being thankful for the people we have in our life, doing our best to help them and to be there for them, are sure ways of laying the foundation for great lifelong relationships which may not be of a romantic nature. Appreciating others and thanking them for their friendship are magical ways to become more loved by others.
A romantic relationship is something that is a chance happening in one’s life. It is also quite possible that it doesn’t happen at all. That should not be the indicator of a happy and fulfilling life. You cannot plan or create a strategy to get into a romantic relationship with someone because if you did that, it would amount to trickery and there would be no honesty and truthfulness in the relationship acquired through such means. Although such a relationship happens by chance, cognisance needs to be taken of the fact that the stage for such an event to happen was in fact created subliminally by the person who has found romantic love. The method of building the possibility of finding love and increasing the chances such a thing happening in one’s life, will be discussed later in this post.
Just as some people long to find a romantic relationship; there are others who strive to protect the relationship that they are in; try to get back one that they have lost; or there also those who are tired of the one they feel they are stuck in. Whatever be the case, it is essential to learn how a romantic relationship is born, how it grows and in the event it dies, why it dies.
American social psychologist Zick Rubin, created a method to empirically measure love. As stated by Rubin, a romantic relationship consists of three factors, namely, attachment, caring and intimacy. He said that these three factors were like three pillars of a romantic relationship and that even if one of them were shaky, it could jeopardise an entire existing relationship or ruin the possibility of building a new one.
One of the greatest enemies of any relationship
As per my personal opinion based on my experience from my own life and also from those of my friends and of those I counsel, I would like to say that there is an evil element which is so powerful that it can even prevent a relationship from being born at all, let alone allowing it grow and damaging it. That evil element is called EGO. This element is the foundation for many other disagreeable qualities such as selfishness, narcissism, arrogance, adamancy, and the ‘I deserve better’ attitude. This also causes jealousy, over-possessiveness and a strong suspicious nature. If only a person with a high level of ego could take some time to deeply introspect, they would realise that the prime reason for their ego is in fact their low self-confidence or some kind of an inferiority complex that they cleverly mask with an air of superiority. The question that arises is that how could a person who is in such a state of mind ever attract anyone, and even if they somehow did attract someone into their life, how could they build a strong and deep relationship of love that would keep the loved person or spouse in it forever? Ego is one of the deadliest enemies of any relationship. What I said above may be summarised as, ‘No one wants to befriend or fall in love with either a sad and gloomy or an egotistical person.’ Therefore, if you want to pave the way for a new relationship to enter into your life, drive all the sadness and bitterness as well as your ego out of your mind and start being cheerful and emitting joy.
The good news
The good news is that there is a simple method that consists of a few steps, through which one could prepare themself to be a person suitable for a potential romantic encounter which could have the propensity of later on fructifying and culminating into marriage or a lifelong commitment. This method has two main benefits. On one hand, it prepares the person to change the colour and course of their life, while on the other, it contributes greatly towards their general health and well-being.
The method is to start caring more for yourself. That’s right. By doing the work of investing on yourself, you can become healthier; happier; gentler; kinder; more magnanimous and forgiving; and simply more attractive. Such a person attracts people like the way flowers attract butterflies (I didn’t say bees because they sting !) out of which there could be high chances of their finding the right one to be their life partner.
The method of caring more for yourself contains the following parts:
1. Jettison all negativity, anger and frustration; and start celebrating life. The three reasons that you are alive, healthy and sane are good enough for you to celebrate every moment of your life. Of course, continuing to be negative is certainly not all that bad because you wouldn’t be sent to hell for being so. The worst that could happen could be that you might be stuck in a negative Karmic pattern for many more Janmas or life times to come until the day in some future Janma of yours, in which you are enlightened with the basic knowledge of the principle of ‘Cause and Effect’ and you use your mental force to break the negative chain.
2. Whatever heartaches you might have, keep them to yourself because no one wants to hear them. Never mind, time heals even the gravest of wounds. Don’t reveal your weaknesses to others.
3. Work on your physical fitness. Remember, an individual is a ‘physical unit’ comprising of the Self, the mind and the body. It is the body in which the Self resides and the physical body’s good health assures a long and comfortable journey through one life time. A good looking person is usually one who is physically fit and is in shape. Spending hours before a TV, surfing the internet, reading or writing sob stories, visiting astrological sites or watching soaps, get you nothing but successfully waste your time on the planet. Instead, spending an hour at the nearby fitness centre regularly, can make you feel proud of yourself when you look in the mirror a few months later. A well groomed person who is healthy and in good physical shape, generally has a good amount of self confidence and such a person is seldom a sad, unattractive or an unfriendly one.
4. Don’t eat animal carcasses. It has been medically proven that portions of the undigested meat you eat, decay and remain in your colon as carrion for many years. It is like being a walking morgue or graveyard. (Read Meat Karma . Nourish yourself with good food that contains veggies, greens and fruit – They make your skin glow. Visit TVM Vegan
5. Get sufficient sleep.
6. Go out, be with friends and make more new friends.
7. Spend time for your hobbies and think of starting a new one.
8. Keep yourself busy. Take up a course on something that you have always wanted to learn but could did not find the time or the inclination to do so.
9. Most importantly, stay away from pessimists.
10. Develop patience because that is the first requirement to fight ego that has the power to seriously impede good conversations that could lead you into healthy relationships. Patience helps improve divine qualities such as kindness and forgiveness which are essential components of sincere relationships.
Don’t forget that the best relationships are those in which there is a lot of communication, appreciation, kindness, generosity and the absence of ego. Here is a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche’s ‘Human, All Too Human: A Book for Free Spirits’. “Marriage as a long conversation. – When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you’re together will be devoted to conversation.”
Though Nietzsche’s quote refers to men seeking to marry, it can also be applied to women seeking lifelong relationships. Always remember that good and interesting conversations are usually not possible with dejected and gloomy people. Smiling, eye contact and the quality of listening, are extremely important to begin and have great conversations in which tremendous amounts of knowledge and emotions are exchanged between different minds.
Cherish the life you have. In case you have had a sad past, just dump it mercilessly. It’s over. Start anew. Life is short and the time left in the current life time is ticking away for everyone. In my opinion, killing the present which is the greatest gift, either thinking of a person who has left you or waiting for some imaginary person, and secluding yourself from the people you have in your life merely as an expression of depression and bitterness against your life pattern, would be a Karmic blunder of a massive proportion that could have severe Karmic repercussions. If you are not happy with your present, try to understand that it was your past, or rather, your own past Karma that caused your present. Why would you want to make the same mistake again and experience its effects in the future?
Karmic course correction
According to my concept of Karma 60-20-20, 60% of your destiny has already been written by your Karma in your past Janmas, 20% has been decided by your Karma in the current Janma and the remaining 20% is still open which you can use to change the course of not only your current Janma or life, but also of your entire Karmic voyage towards Moksha.
The happiness key
Simply throw away unwanted baggage, take a firm decision to take control of your life and happiness, and promise yourself that the key to your happiness stays with you because handing it over to someone else, or in other words, being dependent on others to become happy, is the easiest, shortest and surest way to create the possibility of a life of mental slavery, sadness, pain, frustration and anger.
Never give others the power to control the state of your state of mind and your life. Thank your blessings and follow the simple steps given above. You will certainly be a healthier, happier and more energetic version of yourself and you will be bubbling with joy and positivity. You will radiate love, kindness, warmth and divinity all around you and it is probably such a wonderful and charming person that your prospective date is looking for.
Jai Shri Krishna